


'til it hurts or bleeds (or fades in time)

by soaringrachel



Series: faster than the wind, passionate as sin [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Gender Changes, Knifeplay, Other, Painplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 03:22:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1842514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soaringrachel/pseuds/soaringrachel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>she's always liked being held down, play-hurt; now she likes being real-hurt, likes the burning feeling that nothing, not whiskey or holding her breath or too much sun can give her anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'til it hurts or bleeds (or fades in time)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first sex fic i've ever written and i kind of went for the hard stuff. oops. takes place in a universe where bucky and steve are cis women which i've already written some bucky/natasha for. steve is "sadie" bc that's a much more common name than "stephanie" for a woman his age.  
> fic takes place during the first avenger, during a time period when steve and bucky are based in some kind of camp and running missions with the howling commandos. i haven't watched the movie in a while, so this is slight au if that doesn't fit into movie timeline.  
> warnings: um, this is a fic about a woman exploring a pain kink. mentions of biting, scratching, cutting w/ a knife, and blood, all in a sexual context, as well as a mild amount of control-type play. sex is all overage and consensual; kink is negotiated although perhaps not as adroitly as it might be.  
> enjoy!

Before Bucky leaves for the war, she and Sadie do more than kiss for the first time, Bucky slipping two fingers into Sadie and pushing and pulling, sweet and soft and gentle. It's still goddamn torture, because Bucky won't touch anywhere else until Sadie finally begs for it, but it doesn't hurt--Bucky's too careful for that, too many old habits from a lifetime of being bigger and stronger and pulling back when they roughhouse on the floor. Sometimes when they kiss they wrestle and Sadie thinks she wouldn't mind if Bucky didn't pull back, but she also remembers childhood accidents bad enough to need help to fix them, and she can't explain to a doctor that Bucky pinned her down too hard for a kiss or stole her breath away literally. So they're soft and sweet and gentle, and Sadie doesn't mind, because she loves kissing Bucky that way too.

But.

But after Sadie leaves for the war, after Bucky's marched back to camp at her right hand, after everyone's drunk their fill and gone to bed, after she's seen enough to know what no one will tell her about what Bucky was doing on that mission, when they're alone and Bucky reaches for her like a thirsty woman for water, then Sadie leans back in for a soft, sweet, and gentle kiss, and feels nothing.

Not nothing. She feels Bucky's lips on hers and the thrill of doing this in public with an army full of soldiers, male soldiers, who could burst in any second. She feels Bucky's warm arms on her waist--not around her shoulders, where they should be, because she's bigger and stronger now, and that feels wrong. She feels all that but she doesn't feel the familiar curling ribbon in the pit of her stomach that she used to feel when Bucky kissed her, the feeling that made her want more than a kiss.

"Stop," she finally says to Bucky, but Bucky doesn't quite understand, says "you're right, can we take this to your bed," in a breathless voice.

"No, stop," Sadie says, and Bucky does, hurt written on her face.

Sadie shakes her head. "It's not you, Buck, it's."

Her body is all different and she doesn't know how to kiss with it but she can't quite say that so she just says "I'm not in the mood," and Bucky nods, respectful, and they sit together for a while.

 

Sadie knows Bucky hopes they'll try again. She does too, but she needs to know her body first, needs to understand. She has a tent to herself--she's not sure if it's because she's Captain America, or because she's a woman, but she's grateful when she reaches a hand between her legs and tries to arouse herself. She touches a breast with the other hand, strokes in the way she used to like and feels a flutter but it's gone as soon as it comes. In frustration, she kneads harder, and there, it's painful, and it's like an electric shock. It's gone too fast, though, her body not able to feel pain for that long, and she has to push harder and harder before she's anything close to satisfied.

She doesn't know how to explain this to Bucky. "They fucked something up," she guesses, "crossed a wire." It isn't that so much, though. She's always liked being held down, play-hurt; now she likes being real-hurt, likes the burning feeling that nothing, not whiskey or holding her breath or too much sun can give her anymore. Even sticking her finger in an actual flame doesn't do much, just stings for half a second before the burn heals faster than it can form.

She finally tells Bucky to meet her in her tent at night. The second Bucky gets there she leans in, impatient, kisses plush and smooth, and Sadie pulls back and whispers, scared, "could you bite my lip?"

She doesn't know what she expected--for Bucky to storm off, disgusted, or to do it half-heartedly, to please her. In the end, though she isn't surprised when Bucky makes a gut-punch noise and goes for it, like she's been waiting for Sadie to ask. Maybe she has. Sadie can't focus on it, not through the little pinpricks of pain that go straight down from her mouth through her core and the sounds Bucky is making that do almost as much for her. Bucky is so gone she's just scraping, now, and she's getting sloppier, less and less painful. Sadie gets an idea, and strips off her shirt and undershirt, pulls Bucky's mouth down to a nipple. Bucky looks up.

"You're sure, Cap?" she asks, and a little shiver goes down Sadie's spine at Bucky calling her Cap when her teeth are inches from her breast. She nods, wordlessly, reaching into her trousers with one hand and grabbing the thin blanket with the other as Bucky nips at her breast, grunting and sighing like a cat playing with a pigeon.

 

"We should talk about that," Bucky says, the next time they're alone.

Sadie shrugs. Bucky waits.

"Okay," she says, "okay, I like it. I think? I always would've liked it. But this body can take it."

She doesn't point out, though she's dying to, that this body could take a lot more, that though the nips and scrapes Bucky gave her last night felt good they didn't really hurt. She hasn't felt really hurt since the serum.

"What do you like," Bucky says, "do you like the hurt, or me hurting you?"

Sadie blinks. She thinks she understands the question, but she's not sure she knows the answer.

"I don't know," she says, "how can we find out?"

Bucky's grin is wide and probably, to anyone but Sadie, scary.

 

"On the bed, Cap," Bucky says. Sadie's surprised she even wanted to come to bed--she must be exhausted, even Sadie feels a little edge and just like she doesn't get hurt anymore, she doesn't really get tired. "We can just kiss," she says, "and you can sleep."

"We could," Bucky says, "if I hadn't told you to get on the bed," and then Sadie realizes that maybe this is about me hurting you, and she gets on the bed.

Bucky strips her clothes off of her, leaving the underwear on. Sadie bites a lip, anticipating, and Bucky leans in, kisses her open-mouthed until she lets go.

"You don't hurt yourself," Bucky says, sounding really angry, not play-angry like earlier. "If we're doing this, you don't hurt yourself and you let me know if you don't want me to hurt you anymore."

Sadie nods, but Bucky says "promise me" so she promises out loud.

"Good," Bucky says, "then we're going to see how much you can take," and she takes a fingernail and scratches it down Sadie's thigh.

Sadie keens as she does it, a long fire alarm of a whine in the back of her throat. There's a light in Bucky's eyes as she hears the sound, fascination, maybe. Arousal, certainly. But all too soon Bucky's finger lifts and the pain stops and Sadie breathes easy and deep again.

"Harder," she says, because if they're doing this they might as well do it, and Bucky presses harder, scratching with three fingers down the line of Sadie's chest. It's hard enough to leave a red mark for a moment but like the burns it fades as fast as it forms, chasing itself down Sadie's body.

"Hmm," Bucky says, and goes back to the leg, pressing even harder. Sadie's heady with the feeling of it, it hurts so much and Bucky coolly scoring her is so beautiful and her muscles pulse like she's about to come even though no one's touched her there. Bucky's smiling, she realizes when she can take note of things like that again, and then she realizes that a single drop of blood has squeezed itself out of her leg, though the cut is already closed, erased. The red stain is there, though, to prove the moment happened.

"How fast do you heal?" Bucky says, astonished, and then, "Sadie? If you're scared you can say no, but--"

Bucky's still fully dressed, Sadie realizes, even wearing her boots, and it makes her stomach twist even harder, thinking about that as Bucky reaches into her boot and pulls out--

A knife.

Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, a bright little knife that Sadie knows is sharp as all Hell, because she knows Bucky, and because she can see it in the lamplight. Her mouth is dry suddenly, and she just nods.

Bucky smiles, and Steve can see by the smile that she's pleased, and excited, and that maybe in a different way she's been having trouble feeling things too. "On your back, then, Cap," she says, and Sadie whines, because of the name, because she doesn't want to turn over and not see what Bucky's doing, because she knows what Bucky is going to be doing, but she goes.

And then everything in her body is screaming.

Bucky's cut deep, deep enough that Sadie thinks it might have really injured someone who wasn't her, deep enough that she can still feel it bleeding whole seconds after it's opened. Or maybe she just feels herself crying, because she realizes she is crying, wonderful, relieved tears that Bucky catches on her tongue and licks into her mouth.

They kiss for a moment, Sadie's back bleeding and bright, Bucky with blood on her fingertips and salt on her tongue. Sadie wonders for a moment if she even wants to be touched, if this isn't enough for her, but then Bucky is cursing and flipping her over, tearing off the rest of her underthings, pressing her tongue to Sadie. It's incredible--Sadie's shouting, finished, in seconds and then she laughs, uncontrollably, hysterical laughter that only ends when she realizes the sheet is stuck to her back, she needs to clean up the blood.

"Do you want--" she starts, but Bucky is already bringing herself off, a bloody hand shoved in her mouth and another down her trousers, and it's all over quickly and then there's nothing to do but find a cloth and some water and marvel at the total absence of a scar.

They fall asleep--Sadie, even, is tired after that, and Bucky must be close to falling over. Sure enough Bucky falls asleep first and Sadie strokes her brown hair and thinks how happy this made her, and how maybe that ought to scare her, and how it just makes her pleased. And then she thinks about how Bucky put the knife back in her boot, how she'll have it with them even on the move, how there'll be no scar to show in the morning, and she bites her lip hard before she's asleep herself.


End file.
